I'm Really Sorry...

Firdaus, I never meant to lie to you. It was too soon. I wanted to tell you my feelings towards you when the time was right. I'm really really sorry I lied. If I made you cry a few hours ago, I'm sorry!

I wasn't intending on making you feel so hurtful. I'm sorry! I'm really Really REALLY sorry!! It wasn't my intention to hurt you. I never wanted to do that & yet I did! I'm sorry! I didn't answer your calls because I was in tuition.

It would've been a very bad timing. And to your question "You want me is it?", yes I do. So much. But because of my silence, I hurt you. I meant what I said to you hours ago. I miss you calling me every night. I was so FUCKING BODOH to have told you I like you as my pet-brother.

ARGH!! I'm sorry! Truly I am! I didn't mean to hurt you! I'm sorry! i'm sorry I'm Sorry I'M SORRY!!

When I got home after tuition today, I went straight to my room. I listened to the song that's on the playlist right now 3 times. I sat at the side of my bed near the wall. Guess what? I punched the wall again. Yes, AGAIN. This time, I punched the wall 15-20 times. How my knuckles ache.

I'm gonna do it again after I'm done with this listening to the same song.

I couldn't bare the fact that I hurt you! Plus, I let every sad feelings of mine out. The fact that my mother's gone, the fact that Lee cheated on me & the fact that I hurt you. I couldn't bare it any longer that I needed to punish myself!

I had a breakdown while punching the wall! Obviously I locked myself in my room so that noone else would enter while I hurt myself repeatedly.

I punched again & again thinking how bloody STUPID I was to not tell you! I was SCARED something else would happen! In the end, what I was afraid of turned out to be what I did! I hurt you! I never wanted to! I really thought that if I wait, I'd have all the time in the world!

Firdaus, I'm sorry! I'm sorry I'm sorry!

And now for your sake so that I won't hurt you, we should stop keeping in touch with each other. We should stop texting, calling & e-mail-ing one another. I'm not gonna go to Myspace, Facebook, MSN or even Blogger anymore.

1. So that I could stop distracting myself because I really need to catch up on my studies
2. So that you don't have to see my face, read my words or hear my voice since I'll be avoiding my phone as well
3. Because this is for your sake

I don't want to hurt you. Not anymore. Again, I'm sorry. I really never meant to hurt you. I'm sorry. I'll go punish myself some more later. I'm done. Bye.

shn doesn't care if she breaks the bones of her hand

I'm sorry